I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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