I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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