I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize