I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
