shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
