bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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