Your face is a jimmy john
Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
This is my gift to your gina
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
