Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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