the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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