i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
