Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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