Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
