so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
