I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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