see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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