my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
