I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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