WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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