someone owes me an orgasm
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
