Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
