That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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