Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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