Just fell off a train. Bad.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize