Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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