Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
