i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
