and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize