So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize