Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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