I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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