He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
