i think i have two assholes
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
