I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
