Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
