I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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