I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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