I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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