Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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