listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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