Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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