Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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