Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
