Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
