Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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