please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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