Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
