dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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