I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
