i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
