Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
