I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize