Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
