You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
