Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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