shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
worst night to have a conscience
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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