how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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