meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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