You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
