god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
smell my finger.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
