I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
