well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
